My collection of stereotypes comes from books, magazines, newspapers, movies, television shows, radio programs, news shows, conversations, etc. Sources can be 10s to 100s to 1000s of years old.

Stereotypes and categories overlap at times. I create categories of stereotypes as I have stereotype examples to put into those categories.

The research into gossip goes back at least to the middle of the 20th century. Both men and women research gossip. Putting all of their research together, this is my definition:

Gossip is talk and writing about people
— both other people and ourselves —
in family, social, workplace, and public settings.

Much of the research shows that gossip is both positive and negative. I define gossip as good, bad, or ugly. Good gossip ignores or breaks stereotypes. Bad gossip uses stereotypes. Ugly gossip manufactures stereotypes.

Negative stereotypes exist about everyone, no matter their age, gender, race, religion, profession, etc. These stereotype blog posts will help you understand the negative stereotypes about you.

If you use negative stereotypes about people who are different from you, you are inviting everyone who hears you to use negative stereotypes about you.

Stereotype Updates

I add stereotypes as I come across them.

I will add the new stereotypes at the bottom of each listing, putting ~~~~~ between the older stereotypes and the new stereotypes.

More Stereotypes

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: People In General

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Ethnic, National, & Racial Identities

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Workplaces

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Romance

~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of losing out to stereotypes?
Learn strategies for taking positive control
in the small spaces of situations and relationships.
People who take positive control position themselves to attract unimagined success.

softskillstrategycourses.com

~~~~~~~~~~

People Living At Working Class, Low Income & Poverty Levels

thieving
lazy
dependent
passive
uneducated
undeserving
deviant for not being middle class
don’t work hard enough
don’t work at all
can’t improve themselves
feel bad about themselves
don’t make friends well
unable to defer gratification
no respect for education
no interest in education
dishonest
promiscuous
apathetic or ignorant about birth control
ethnic minority
lack thrift
loose morals
no personal drive
no willingness to take risks
no initiative
unwilling to work hard
fail to seize opportunities
deserve:

to live near garbage dumps and toxic waste, near noxious industries
poorer school systems
inferior medical care
more frequent arrests
harsher prison sentences
more severe social control

People Living In Slums

criminals
drug addicts
delinquents

People living in Brazilian favelas

desperate
crushed

Mothers Receiving Welfare

lazy
freeloader
wild
lack confidence
abuse the system
practice fraud
get something for nothing
sit at home
lack work ethics
keep having babies for free
unskilled laborers
live high on the hog
on drugs
fat
sits in front of television all day eating potato chips
adopted children so they can get welfare
deserve:

contraceptive testing
involuntary sterilization
coercive treatment during pregnancy
prosecution for drug use

Fathers Of Low Income Children

deadbeat dads

Low Income People Are Poor In

friendships
verbal skills
education
social manners
resources
health
happiness

Low Income Parents

lack educational values

~~~~~

can’t do well at educating their own children

Low Income Children

lack motivation
do not value education
would not benefit from:

the same education offered by schools in wealthier areas

Low Income Men

buffoon
threat

Low Income Women

slobs
plain
unattractive
neglect their children
sexually loose
accustomed to roughness
less prone to the terror of rape
can be raped only through gang rape

Points to Ponder

Did you notice that people living in poverty might not be able to improve themselves because other people think they deserve poorer school systems?

Did you notice the opposite stereotypes that people living in poverty can’t improve themselves but can take advantage of the health care system?

Did you notice that people living in poverty can supposedly take advantage of the health care system, but are in poor health?

Did you notice that people living in poverty might need to take advantage of the health care system because other people think they deserve inferior medical care?

How do people in poverty live high on the hog when other people think they deserve to live in poor neighborhoods near garbage dumps, toxic waste, and noxious industries?

Personal Note

I wrote letters to the editor about poverty issues for several years. I was low income because medical professionals misdiagnosed a childhood spinal injury for 33 years. Eventually, normal sitting and standing became extremely painful. How would you earn money if you couldn’t sit or stand normally?

Early in my letter writing years, a friend was in a baby sitting coop. My friend attended a meeting shortly after the newspaper had published one of my letters about poverty. One of the other women in the coop asked if anyone knew Paula Kramer. My friend said she did. The other woman asked:

“Is Paula fat and does she sit in front of TV set all day eating potato chips?”

My friend told me she set the woman straight.

My husband was part Native American and our daughter has his darker skin coloring. A neighbor asked me,

“Did you adopt your daughter so you could get welfare?”

Why would any adoption agency allow someone living at poverty level to adopt a child?

~~~~~

Critical Thinking Questions

1.  What’s happening?

2.  Why is it important?

3.  What don’t I see?

4.  How do I know?

5.  Who is saying it?

6.  What else? What if?

Stereotype Thinking Questions

1.  What is threatening my beliefs?

2.  How can I make it unimportant?

3.  What can I reject?

4.  What can I laugh at?

5.  How can I attack people who threaten my beliefs?

6.  How can I deflect?

The stereotype thinking questions are mine, based on my observations of stereotype thinkers.

~~~~~

Paula M. Kramer
© 2015 to the present
All rights reserved.

Posts on this blog alternate with posts at the link below. Posts for both blogs are published on Wednesdays as they are ready to be published. Time between posts could be weeks or months.

blog.smilessparksuccess.com

Resource Websites

speakingfromtriumph.com

smilessparksuccess.com

Business Directory

betterplanetbusiness.com

Positive Identity Directory For People With Mugshots

myrecordnow.com

My collection of stereotypes comes from books, magazines, newspapers, movies, television shows, radio programs, news shows, conversations, etc. Sources can be 10s to 100s to 1000s of years old.

Stereotypes and categories overlap at times. I create categories of stereotypes as I have stereotype examples to put into those categories.

The research into gossip goes back at least to the middle of the 20th century. Both men and women research gossip. Putting all of their research together, this is my definition:

Gossip is talk and writing about people
— both other people and ourselves —
in family, social, workplace, and public settings.

Much of the research shows that gossip is both positive and negative. I define gossip as good, bad, or ugly. Good gossip ignores or breaks stereotypes. Bad gossip uses stereotypes. Ugly gossip manufactures stereotypes.

Negative stereotypes exist about everyone, no matter their age, gender, race, religion, profession, etc. These stereotype blog posts will help you understand the negative stereotypes about you.

If you use negative stereotypes about people who are different from you, you are inviting everyone who hears you to use negative stereotypes about you.

Stereotype Updates

I add stereotypes as I come across them.

I will add the new stereotypes at the bottom of each listing, putting ~~~~~ between the older stereotypes and the new stereotypes.

More Stereotypes

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: People In General

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Ethnic, National, & Racial Identities

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Workplaces

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Poverty

~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of losing out to stereotypes?
Learn strategies for taking positive control
in the small spaces of situations and relationships.
People who take positive control position themselves to attract unimagined success.

softskillstrategycourses.com

~~~~~~~~~~

Romantic Relationships In General

Relationships Between Men & Women

war

The Most Successful Relationship Is Between

a man with a high level career and a woman with a low level career

Romantic Relationships Are Likely To End If

the woman has a high status career and stays in her career

Older Women With Younger Men

trying to hang onto youth

Younger Women With Older Men

golddiggers

If A Woman Fails While Her Partner Succeeds It Means…

the man had the ability to succeed
the woman didn’t have the ability to succeed

If A Woman Succeeds While Her Partner Fails It Means The Woman…

caused her partner’’s failure
could destroy the relationship

Women In Romantic Relationships

should give up jobs when children are born
should not accept a job offer that could jeopardize partner’s career

Abusive Relationships

Violence Happens Only In

heterosexual relationships
men do all the abusing

Women Battered By Men

masochists
castrators
flirts
blameless

Men Battered By Women

liars
freaks

Men Who Batter Women

hotheaded
drunk brutes

Woman Who Batter Men

drunk
unstable
shrewish

Individual Characteristics

Obese People

less attractive
lower self-esteem
less likely to be dating
less erotic
deserve fat, ugly partners

Men

Single Men

unhappy
interested in whether a prospective date has not girlfriends
looks at his watch because he’s bored
love women who dress like sluts
easy horn dogs
like skinny girls
like younger women
like big breasts, real or fake
like open relationships
commitment-phobes
don’t like aggressive women
always want to be dominant
want dumb women

Men Over 70

projects

Men Who Dress Revealingly

less liked
not sexy

Muscular Men

domineering
controlling
mean
abusive in relationships with overweight or underweight people

Messy Magician, Life Coach, “Crypto Guy” on The Bachelorette

shallow dates

Women

Single Women

unhappy
selfish
insecure
lonely
dysfunctional
desperate to find a mate
clueless about finances and investing
let their appearance go as they age
sex-starved
less healthy than married women

Women Who Dress Revealingly

seen by men as seductive
seen by women as not nice

Women Who Go To A Bar, Have A Nightcap In An Apartment, Dress Up

interested in sex

Women Who Drink Alcohol

sexually available
more aggressive
have few social skills

Opposite Stereotypes

Opposite Stereotypes #1

Women Battered By Men

masochists ≠ castrators

Points To Ponder

These stereotypes make abusive men inherently bad, ignoring “substance abuse, mental illness, childhood trauma, race, culture, and poverty.”

The stereotypes ignore the women who abuse men in romantic relationships. My mother was one of those abusers. She emotionally abused my father.

“Help for Men Who are Being Abused”
Lawrence Robinson and Jeanne Segal, PhD
HelpGuide
Last updated: January 2021.

“The Stereotyped Offender: Domestic Violence and the Failure of Intervention”
Carolyn B. Ramsay
Penn State Law Review
2015

“We Run a Hotline for Male Victims and Perpetrators of Domestic Violence”
Avi Mor and Malka Genachowski
Newsweek: My Turn
April 28, 2021

~~~~~~~~~~

Critical Thinking Questions

1.  What’s happening?

2.  Why is it important?

3.  What don’t I see?

4.  How do I know?

5.  Who is saying it?

6.  What else? What if?

Stereotype Thinking Questions

1.  What is threatening my beliefs?

2.  How can I make it unimportant?

3.  What can I reject?

4.  What can I laugh at?

5.  How can I attack people who threaten my beliefs?

6.  How can I deflect?

The stereotype thinking questions are mine, based on my observations of stereotype thinkers.

~~~~~~~~~~

Paula M. Kramer
© 2015 to the present
All rights reserved.

Posts on this blog alternate with posts at the link below. Posts for both blogs are published on Wednesdays as they are ready to be published. Time between posts could be weeks or months.

blog.smilessparksuccess.com

Resource Websites

speakingfromtriumph.com

smilessparksuccess.com

Business Directory

betterplanetbusiness.com

Positive Identity Directory For People With Mugshots

myrecordnow.com

My collection of stereotypes comes from books, magazines, newspapers, movies, television shows, radio programs, news shows, conversations, podcasts, etc. Sources can be 10s to 100s to 1000s of years old.

Stereotypes and categories overlap at times. I create categories of stereotypes as I have stereotype examples to put into those categories.

The research into gossip goes back at least to the middle of the 20th century. Both men and women research gossip. Putting all of their research together, this is my definition:

Gossip is talk and writing about people
— both other people and ourselves —
in family, social, workplace, and public settings.

Much of the research shows that gossip is both positive and negative. I define gossip as good, bad, or ugly. Good gossip ignores or breaks stereotypes. Bad gossip uses stereotypes. Ugly gossip manufactures stereotypes.

Negative stereotypes exist about everyone, no matter their age, gender, race, religion, profession, etc. These stereotype blog posts will help you understand the negative stereotypes about you.

If you use negative stereotypes about people who are different from you, you are inviting everyone who hears you to use negative stereotypes about you.

Stereotype Updates

I add stereotypes as I come across them.

I will add the new stereotypes at the bottom of each listing, putting ~~~~~ between the older stereotypes and the new stereotypes.

More Stereotypes

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: People In General

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Ethnic, National, & Racial Stereotypes

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Romance

Negative Stereotypes Behind Bad & Ugly Gossip: Poverty

~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of losing out to stereotypes?
Learn strategies for taking positive control
in the small spaces of situations and relationships.
People who take positive control position themselves to attract unimagined success.

softskillstrategycourses.com

~~~~~~~~~~

Men In The Workplace

Businessmen

aggressive
materialistic
mercenary

Handsome Men

ambitious
self-interest is a threat to management
opinionated

Managers

domineering
challenging

Men Who File Sexual Harassment Charges

not real men
sexually deviant

Nice Guys

finish last

When Men Fail On The Job, The Stereotyped Reasons Include:

lack of effort
difficult situations
bad luck

When Men Succeed On The Job, The Stereotyped Reasons Include:

ability
talent

Women In The Workplace

Attractive Women

stupid
should be trophy wife instead of career woman
interested in sex
schemers
less trustworthy
more expendable
should smile at everyone
less competent

Businesswomen

less happy with success
unattractive
aggressive
unpopular
less likely to maintain a steady relationship
egoist
dominant
hide feelings
less feminine
less desirable

Feminine Dressing Women

low managerial skills
low interest in work
illogical
overemotional in critical decision making
financially irresponsible
helpless
dependent on the influences of others
sexy
flirtatious in social relations
not assertive
low independence
low self-confidence

Women Are Seen As Unsuitable For Management Positions…

when their hair is long, curly,  extreme in color, in the face, fastened with barrettes and ribbons

when they wear extreme amounts and colors of makeup, soft or tight sweaters, low necklines, ruffled blouses,
dangling or ostentatious jewelry,  and don’t wear a jacket

when they are attractive

Women Bosses

petty
envious
power-mad
aggressive

Women Who Cry On The Job

weak
vulnerable
crack under pressure

Women Who File Sexual Harassment Charges

whiners
complainers
incompetent

Women Who Use The Titles Miss Or Mrs.

lacking personality characteristics of a successful middle manager

Women Who Use The Title Ms.

more motivated
more masculine
less likable

When Women Fail On The Job, The Stereotyped Reasons Include:

no talent
no ability

When Women Succeed On The Job, The Stereotyped Reasons Include

unstable conditions
external causes

General Experiences For
Women In Workplaces

Fewer

opportunities
promotions
resources

Less

accommodation
authority
autonomy
approval for efforts
cooperation
credit
pay
respect

Lower

performance evaluations

More

disapproval for efforts
interruptions
pressure

General  Stereotypes
About Women Workers

Less

competent
knowledgeable
less authority

Not good as leaders

Too emotional to do important work

Incapable of assertiveness

Deviant for

showing competence and assertiveness
interrupting men

General Stereotypes
About Women’s Work

Less

important
authoritative
convincing
valuable

Inferior

Deserving rejection

Unworthy of recognition

More Insights Into
Gender Bias

“How to Navigate Bias Traps Toward Your Ultimate Success with Gifty Enright”
Shedding the Corporate Bitch Podcast With Host Bernadette Boas
March 5, 2024

Performance

Attribution

Likeability

Affinity

Maternal

Intersectionality

5:55 to 9:05

Professions

Athletes

can’t hold regular jobs

 Biology Teachers

nerdy

Business Coaches

big egos
haven’t accomplished anything
couldn’t succeed themselves
their way or the highway
tell rather than coach
consider themselves gurus
full of s—

CEOs

need huge salaries and bonuses for motivation to do their jobs well

Cheerleaders

slutty
queen-bees
wear short skirts
gum-chewing ditzy snobs
airheads
gossipy
mean

Clothing Designers

aggressive

Community Organizers

rabble rousers
outside agitators
professional agitators

Construction Workers

ordinary
unremarkable

Entrepreneurs

criminals

Executive Coaches

no domain experience
parrots who only listen instead of asking questions after listening
on cruse control doing rinse and repeat with clients
coach executives to manage the little people in a company
promise simple answers and quick results
exploit powerful hold over clients

Executives Who Say Goodbye To Every Employee At The End Of The Day

checking up on employees

Government Officials

tell lies
cover up the truth
engage in conspiracies to deprive citizens of their liberty

Interns

untrustworthy

Journalists

callous
cavalier
hound celebrities
interested in human weakness
chew up private lives for entertainment

Lawyers

untrustworthy
contemptible
fast talkers
dishonest
subverters of justice
look for loopholes

Life Coaches

think they know more than anyone else
think they are better than anyone else
unqualified
underequipped
undertrained
delusional
manipulative sellers
no domain expertise
scam artists
psychologists with no credentials
shamers
bullshit jobs

Men In Ads Selling Beauty Products, Shopping, & Fulfilling Lives To Women

bumbling fools

Men In Commercials Selling Laundry Detergent

not guys

Military Historians

right wing
morally suspect
just plain dumb

Military Pilots Who See Surface Air Missiles Where Government Intelligence Believes They Can’t Be

cowboy pilots

Models

airheads who make pots of money for not doing much

Pilots

alcoholics

Secretaries

materialistic
overly emotional
often irrational
physically limited
less than committed to the job
don’t perform well
not valuable
dependable

Sex Surrogates

prostitutes

Soldiers

shell shocked soldiers are neurotically susceptible and infantile

American Soldiers

mean
aggressive killers

Tarot Card Reader

flakes

Treasure Hunters / Shipwreck Hunters

only in it for the money

Truck Drivers

hog the right of way
drive dangerously
cause most car truck accidents
bullies
menace on the highway

Writers Of Fiction

difficult temperament

~~~~~~~~~~

Male Dancers

sissies

Male Elementary School Teachers

pedophiles
failures as men

Male Kindergarten Teachers

babysitters

Male Librarians

wimpy
asexual

Male Nurses

gay (which assumes that being gay is bad)

Male Social Workers

feminine
passive

Men Who Work In Stereotypical Female Professions

taking a step down
enjoy a glass escalator of preferential treatment for hiring and promotion

~~~~~~~~~~

Female Scientists Who Are Feminine

incompetent

Female Scientists Who Are Masculine

unlikable

Female Scientists Who Have Children

not committed to their work
incompetent

Female Scientists Who Speak Their Mind Or Are Decisive

too masculine

Female Working In A Dealership Service Center

doesn’t now what she’s doing

Women Running For Political Office

young girls
little housewives who don’t know anything
incompetent

Individual Characteristics

Half White / Half Black

Performs better than Black

Low Income Workers

will not be motivated by higher salaries to do their jobs well or work harder
will only be motivated by the threat of their jobs being moved overseas

Older Workers

absent more
lower productivity levels
less flexible in their behavior
unable to learn new skills
prone to job-related accidents

Plus Size Workers

blameworthy
guilt-ridden
untrustworthy
incompetent
salesclerks
pushy
insensitive
insincere
fawning

People Who Do Their Jobs Well

hall monitor
tattle tale
troublemaker
trying to get coworkers in trouble
hormonal
rebellious
stroppy (British for bad-tempered)
time of the month
bad tempered
argumentative

Successful Black Women / Career Black women

arrogant
hard
controlling
self-centered
uppity

Whistleblowers

squealers
rats
stoop-pigeons
finks
loose cannons
dangers to businesses damaging to career of fellow workers
habitual liars
irresponsible
masters of deceit
criminals
fudged resumes

Workers With Disabilities

incompetent
vulnerable
ineligible for jobs

Shared Stereotypes

Shared Stereotypes #1

Businessmen
Businesswomen
Women Bosses
Clothing Designers
American Soldiers

aggressive

Shared Stereotypes #2

Businessmen
Secretaries

materialistic

Shared Stereotype #3

Businesswomen
Women Who Use The Title Ms.

more masculine

Shared Stereotypes #4

Women Who Cry On The Job
Workers With Disabilities

vulnerable

Shared Stereotypes #5

Women Who File Sexual Harassment Charges
Female Scientists Who Are Feminine
Female Scientists Who Have Children
Women Running For Political Office
Overweight Workers
Workers With Disabilities

incompetent

Shared Stereotypes #6

Cheerleaders
American Soldiers

mean

Shared Stereotypes #7

Entrepreneurs
Whistleblowers

criminals

Opposite Stereotypes

Opposite Stereotypes #1

Feminine Dressing Women

flirtatious in social relations ≠ not assertive

Opposite Stereotypes #2

General Stereotypes About Women

Incapable of assertiveness ≠ deviant for showing assertiveness

Opposite Stereotypes #3

Men Who Work In Stereotypical Female Professions

taking a step down ≠ riding a glass escalator up

Workplace Policies

Giving Raises, Health Care, & Retirement Benefits To Workers

will increase inflation
squeeze profit margins
end economic prosperity

Giving Stock Options, Bonuses, & Multimillion Dollar Salaries To CEOs

will lower inflation
increase profit margins
lead to  economic prosperity

Research On The Impact Of Parental Work

work-family issues are concerns for women
focuses on the mother having a job or the father losing a job

Points to Ponder
About Men in the Workplace

Men in women’s fields enjoy a glass escalator of preferential treatment for hiring and promotion and are over represented in managerial positions. But choosing a career in a traditionally female field means you’ll face stereotypes of failure and criminality.

Points to Ponder
About Women in the Workplace

If you are a woman, be careful to never use any of the negative stereotypes about women in the workplace against other women. If you do, you will be giving permission to everyone else the stereotypes about women in the workplace.

Points to Ponder
About Pay & Benefits

Did you notice the following?

Money and benefits supposedly motivate CEOs but not the workers that keep the company going.

Raises for CEOs supposedly benefit the economy but raises for ordinary workers supposedly harm the economy.

Secretaries cannot be motivated by raises but are materialistic while CEOs need big pay raises to be motivated but are not materialistic.

Perhaps we should ask the CEOs who get the top pay and benefits to explain why programs that give money to the poor have created so many benefits that dozens of countries have those programs.

~~~~~~~~~~

Critical Thinking Questions

1. What’s happening?
2. Why is it important?
3. What don’t I see?
4. How do I know?
5. Who is saying it?
6. What else? What if?

Stereotype Thinking Questions

1. What is threatening my beliefs?
2. How can I make it unimportant?
3. What can I reject?
4. What can I laugh at?
5. How can I attack people who threaten my beliefs?
6. How can I deflect?

The stereotype thinking questions are mine, based on my observations of stereotype thinkers.

~~~~~~~~~~

Paula M. Kramer
© 2015 to the present
All rights reserved.

Posts on this blog alternate with posts at the link below. Posts for both blogs are published on Wednesdays as they are ready to be published. Time between posts could be weeks or months.

blog.smilessparksuccess.com

Resource Websites

speakingfromtriumph.com

smilessparksuccess.com

Business Directory

betterplanetbusiness.com

Positive Identity Directory For People With Mugshots

myrecordnow.com

When I was 12 years old, a boy in school who had a crush on me pulled my chair out from under me to get my attention. I landed hard on my tailbone. The pain in my lower spine started right away. My mother took me to our family doctor who delivered my first misdiagnosis. It took 33 years to get the correct diagnosis.

The pain in my spine was always intermittent, depending on what I did. By the last two years of high school, sitting had become very painful. During assemblies in the auditorium, I sat in folding chairs in aisles instead of in the curved seats that my back couldn’t tolerate.

By my late 20s, I also had trouble standing for any length of time. I could not fully participate in social events because I could neither sit nor stand with my friends for any length of time. When I started college at 34, I needed a special chair that I pushed to classes in the building where I kept the chair. The chair was an old rocker with the rockers cut off. It had wheels on it and a bar across the back for pushing. When I sat in it, my knees were higher than my hips. I felt much less pain when sitting with my knees higher than my hips.

For classes in other buildings, I sat on one seat with my feet on another seat or sat on the floor against a wall. I used a back support pillow wherever I sat. For one class, I lay on the floor. Instead of carrying a backpack, I bought a used piece of carry on luggage and pulled it around on a small luggage cart. The office that worked with disabled people did everything it could to make attending college as comfortable for me as possible.

The world outside the university was far less accommodating. My father was dead and my mother and siblings were not the least bit accommodating. My mother’s response to my back problems was, “Everyone has back problems.” One of the few times my older sister was willing to talk about the pain in my back she asked me, “Are you sure it isn’t emotional?” I told my sister that if I fastened a belt too tightly, my spine hurt. If I loosened the belt, the pain went away. I asked her how that could be emotional. She said, “I don’t know…”, but still felt that my pain must be emotional. Because my mother had tried to kill me when I was very young, she taught my siblings to ignore what I said and discount what I did. My older sister was determined to ignore what I said no matter what the evidence was.

My second sister decided that for me “long term solutions” meant that I should stop being irresponsible and go out and get a job. She told me that going to school was harder on my back than working at a job would be. She didn’t bother to ask me about my experiences going to school because she wasn’t about to pay attention to anything I said.

All of my sisters provide examples of how my family discounted what I did. While visiting each of these sisters, I lay on the floors of their living rooms, trying to ease pain in my hips. My third sister shared a bedroom with my daughter and me one night when we went to my first brother’s wedding. The room had a sofa bed for two. I told my sister she could sleep on the sofa bed with my daughter because sleeping on it would leave me in pain. I slept on the floor. All of my sisters discounted my actions to relieve my pain as evidence that I could have trouble earning money.

I was always in more pain around my siblings because I sat and stood normally when I was with them. I mostly saw them only every two or three years for two or three days. When I socialized with my friends, I did not sit or stand normally. I would sit on the floor leaning against something or walk in circles around a standing group or pace back and forth near a seated group. I saw my friends more often so I had other opportunities to talk to them if I couldn’t sit or stand near them at a social event.

But I saw my siblings so seldom that I sat normally with them and stood in place leaning against something instead of pacing. Still hopeful that they would eventually treat me like a member of their family, I tried to have as much interaction with them as possible. But the pain would become intense and I would have to deal with it, often by laying on the floor.

After my husband died, my parents-in-law would give us food when they could. My father-in-law occasionally decided to teach me a lesson in responsibility by refusing to help me get heavy boxes of food into the trunk of my car.

A woman who once told me she believed in me and who had seen my sitting and standing difficulties once demanded, “Go out and get a job!”

Without asking me, a well-meaning friend lined up a job for me at a small organization. The job was clerical/secretarial. It meant sitting normally at a desk with a typewriter or computer and answering the phone. I would have been able to sit at the desk for only a short period of time before the pain started. Then I would have had to walk around or lie on the floor to ease the pain. When I told my friend I couldn’t take the job, she became angry.

In my 30s, an orthopedic surgeon who delivered yet another misdiagnosis sent me to a physical therapist to take the functionality test for Social Security disability payments. I told the physical therapist about the boy pulling the chair out from under me at school. I told her that the pain was not bad at first so I just kept doing everything. I told her that the pain continually increased so I had to stop doing all kinds of things to limit the pain. When the physical therapist explained what I had to do for the test I burst into tears, knowing the test would leave me in agony. The physical therapist decided I was “hostile” to her. She told me that if I just kept doing what hurt the pain would go away because my pain was emotional. Her misdiagnosis denied me disability payments.

Going to chiropractors would ease the pain but not stop it. One chiropractor figured out that I felt pain when I put weight on my spine. Sitting and standing normally put weight on my spine. Carrying anything put weight on my spine. This sympathetic chiropractor tried to save me from having to work at jobs that would be harmful to my back when I applied for food stamps and medical assistance. One of the women in charge of determining food stamp eligibility also had back problems. She told me, “I know back pain” and informed me that she expected me to find a 20 hour a week job. I didn’t because I couldn’t.

The sympathetic chiropractor sent me for x-rays. The x-rays showed my spine had no S curve in it.

Because my income was low my bills were high. I had to charge smaller bills to my credit card so I could pay my mortgage. I contacted a financial aid counselor for help. I explained about my back and my difficulty earning money. I asked her if there were a way I could get the interest on my credit cards reduced. She responded, “Why don’t you just stop using your credit cards?” I wrote her a letter and told her that telling me to stop using my credit cards was telling me to become homeless.

Because I had difficulty earning money and because I could not get disability, I asked for help when I was desperate. Sometimes the people I asked were not appropriate to ask, but no one appropriate was available to ask. Many people said, “No.” Enough people said yes that I am still alive. If everyone had said no, I would be dead. I am alive also because of my daughter. When she was 10 years, my daughter got her first babysitting job. With her babysitting earnings and then with earnings from fast food jobs, my daughter helped to buy food and pay bills. Because my teenage daughter worked as many hours as she could, we managed to avoid homelessness.

In the 33rd year of my pain, I started carrying a cane with me when I went to public places. I didn’t need it for walking. I needed it to lean on if I couldn’t stand near something to lean against. By then, standing normally for two minutes would leave me in excruciating pain. The only pain free way for me to sit that year was on a low chair with my feet on a stool so they were level with my head.

I received the correct diagnosis for my injury from a nurse in an audience for a talk I gave to a business women’s group. I had to lean against a tall stool to do the talk, so I explained my back injury. I asked everyone in the audience to tell any children in their lives to never pull a chair out from under anyone. The sympathetic chiropractor had told me that some people are instantly paralyzed.

The nurse told me that when I hit the floor, my spinal cord tensed up. Her husband was a chiropractor who used a little known technique called Neural Organizational Technique (NOT). He told me that the tension in my spinal cord pulled my pelvis out of place. My out of place pelvis pulled my hips out of place. The chiropractor used NOT on me and ended 33 years of pain in my spine. The pain in my spine ended with the first NOT treatment, but then I felt new pain.

Releasing the tension in my spinal cord moved my pelvis back into place. It had taken 33 years to get pulled out of place as far as it was. It moved back into place within an hour. All of the muscles in my back from my shoulders to my hips suddenly had to function differently. I still feel pain in all of those muscles, and my hips still shift out of place easily. Out of place hips are very painful.

I had to move back into employment slowly because sitting and standing normally now made my muscles hurt. It was far less crippling pain than the pain in my spine, but it was still pain.

I did a lot of temporary work. To ease the pain in my muscles, I would figure out creative ways to get work done. On one temporary job, my coworkers listened to what I told them about my back, watched how I accomplished my task, then said, “This is the way we do it. It’s easy.”

On another job, I needed to wear a shoulder wrap filled with seeds to ease the pain from typing on a keyboard at the wrong height. I put it in a plastic bag to warm it up in the lunchroom microwave. One woman complained that it smelled and that she did not want hair in her food. Management made me bring my own microwave and put it in a warehouse. My breaks consisted entirely of walking back to the warehouse to warm up my shoulder wrap. And the woman who sat closest to me told me she never smelled anything. She also didn’t think hair could get into anyone’s food when the shoulder wrap was inside a plastic bag.

When I visited a dentist I told him I had to make small monthly payments because I had trouble earning money. My payments were $5 because my weekly food budget was $40 for my daughter and me. If I paid any more money to the dentist, I would have had to buy less food for my daughter and me. Two members of the dentist’s staff continually let me know that I should be making bigger payments no matter what.

The long series of misdiagnoses prevented me from getting the treatment that would have enabled me to earn money. Difficulty earning money meant difficulty paying bills. The clinic where the orthopedic surgeon and the physical therapist worked sent me a letter informing me that if I came in again for any kind of treatment, I would have to pay $50 up front. I transferred my files elsewhere.

Because of the pain I feel, I can work in my yard and garden only half an hour a day. If I do more than that I have to take a soaking bath to ease the pain. Half an hour is not enough time to keep my yard and garden looking neat. Shoveling snow, vacuuming, and mopping also require soaking baths. People do not look at my house and yard and think, “Oh, she must be in pain.” No, they look at my house and my yard and think “She’s a slob.” One of my brothers-in-law once said to my face, “You’re a slob.”

Of course, there are people who say they have back pain who do not have back pain. If you meet someone who complains they cannot work because of the pain in their spine, ask them what they do for fun. People who have real back pain can neither work much nor play much. I haven’t been to a movie theater in years because I spend the entire movie in pain. I have lain on the floor at concerts. I have leaned against walls at religious services. If someone says they cannot work but can do anything for fun, they probably are faking the back pain. Anyone who can do little for fun is in pain.

Any action you take towards another person is an invitation for other people to take the same action toward you. Unless you have a written guarantee that you will never be disabled, you may want to make sure you accept disability for what it is. A disability is a physical or mental or psychological condition that forces an individual to function differently from the way abled people function. Please accept our different ways of functioning.

~~~~~

Critical Thinking Questions

1.  What’s happening?

2.  Why is it important?

3.  What don’t I see?

4.  How do I know?

5.  Who is saying it?

6.  What else? What if?

Stereotype Thinking Questions

1.  What is threatening my beliefs?

2.  How can I make it unimportant?

3.  What can I reject?

4.  What can I laugh at?

5.  How can I attack people who threaten my beliefs?

6.  How can I deflect?

The stereotype thinking questions are mine, based on my observations of stereotype thinkers.

~~~~~

Online workshop that provides strategies to chip away stereotypes in both professional and personal relationships:

End Negative Gossip & Increase Collaboration

“After participating in the gossip power presentation, I know I now have a better plan to be more effective in understanding how gossip affects every area of a person’s personal and professional life. Using her strategies on gossip power and gossip ears I feel I will be better able to navigate these areas both inside and outside the office. Paula does a great job, using both scientific research and personal anecdotes and examples, to develop strategies for turning the power of gossip into positives for anyone attending her presentation. I left energized and excited about her message and what I learned and am definitely looking forward to learning more at her glass ceiling presentation.“
Mark Spiers
SBDC Consultant

~~~~~

Paula M. Kramer
© 2015 to the present
All rights reserved.

Posts on this blog alternate with posts at the link below. Posts for both blogs are published on Wednesdays as they are ready to be published. Time between posts could be weeks or months.

blog.smilessparksuccess.com

Gossip Posters

Gossip Proverb

Good, Bad, & Ugly Gossip

Resource Websites

speakingfromtriumph.com

smilessparksuccess.com

Business Directory

betterplanetbusiness.com

Positive Identity Directory For People With Mugshots

myrecordnow.com

People are raised to believe all kinds of stereotypes. For men, one of those stereotypes is that friendly women are interested in sex. In the May 25, 2013 Dear Abby column, one young woman wrote that she was “naturally friendly and sometimes guys I’m not interested in think I’m flirting with them.” I am also a friendly woman. I encounter this stereotype frequently.

I have been widowed for decades and single by choice since 1998. The last man I dated wanted to marry me. I said no because I do not want to be married again. If my husband were still alive, I hope we would still be married. But I have reached a stage in my life where I am happily single. I intend to remain happily single for the rest of my life.

However, I do enjoy having conversations with men. I start conversations with men in public. I also start conversations with repairmen who come to my house to work on my telephone, furnace, electricity, and plumbing. Some of the repairmen are interesting to talk to, so I look forward to new conversations when those repairmen come back to my house.

One of those repairmen keeps mentioning his wife, which means he has missed my compliment — that I enjoy our conversations.

When I was in my 20s, I worked in a small neighborhood store in Chicago. A man with a high paying job who lived across the street from the store would come in to talk to the owner. One day when the owner wasn’t there, the man came over and talked to me. We had such a good conversation that he invited me out to dinner. Our interesting conversation continued through dinner. I went home knowing that the man had paid me the compliment of considering me an interesting person to talk to. He was free for that evening and invited me out so he could enjoy further conversation. I never expected anything more.

Compliments can smooth the irritations of the day. Compliments can increase confidence. Compliments can show people the positive things others see in them.

My conversations with men are compliments. I wish more of the men would recognize the compliment, because I intend to keep the compliments coming.

Below are some resources that reveal men’s mistaken assumptions about friendly women. Ironically, a study of college students found that men can misread women’s sexual come-ons as friendly gestures. The Dear Abby advice seeker also wrote that, “…when I try to flirt with a guy, it never works.” See this happen for yourself. Watch Leonard mistake Alex’s sexual come on as friendliness, “The 43 Peculiarity” episode of The Big Bang Theory.

It seems that too many men are missing more than compliments.

Men can also misread sexual desire in other men. Below are three quotes from three articles about the television show Death In Paradise. The characters mentioned are Detective Inspector (DI) Humphrey Goodman and Detective Sergeant (DS) Florence Cassell.

“He (Goodman) was probably trying to impress DS Florence, who he’s clearly in love with (as he was with DS Camille) though he doesn’t even realise it himself.”
Sam Wollaston, reviewer

“I don’t think they’re like that together – I think they’re just mates. I think that it would be a little disingenuous and a little cheating to the show.”
Kris Marshall, the actor who plays DI Humphrey Goodman

“You’ll see their friendship and how Florence wants to help him find a new girlfriend,” reveals Josephine. “But it is just friendship and nothing else. Humphrey had a kind of love story with Camille, so it’d be too silly to have another love story with another French policewoman.”
Josephine Jobert, the actor who plays DS Florence Cassel

I watch this show. I read Wollaston’s review before I watched the episode where Wollaston saw Goodman “clearly” in love with Cassell. I saw no evidence of love. Wollaston is just one man out of many who make the same mistakes. Makes me wonder what Wollaston has missed.

“Actor Kris Marshall on Death In Paradise: We have some real cracking murders coming up”
John Marrs
Sunday Express
December 20, 2015

“Alcohol’s Role in Sexual Violence Perpetration: Theoretical Explanations, Existing Evidence, and Future Directions”
Antonia Abbey
Drug and Alcohol Review
September 2011, Volume 30, Issue 5, pages 481-489

“Clueless Guys Can’t Read Women”
Jeanne Bryner
Live Science
March 19, 2008

“Death in Paradise review: the TV equivalent of a boring holiday timeshare”
Sam Wollaston
The Guardian
February 27, 2015 02.00 EST

“Death in Paradise star Kris Marshall reveals all about series five of the BBC drama”
Frances Taylor
tv.bt.com
January 7, 2016

“Science Confirms The Obvious: Men Mistake Female Friendliness For Sexual Interest”
Laura Allen
Popular Science
April 4, 2009

“Nursing student needs primer on rules of the dating game”
Dear Abby
March 25, 2013
Page 5

~~~~~

Critical Thinking Questions

1.  What’s happening?

2.  Why is it important?

3.  What don’t I see?

4.  How do I know?

5.  Who is saying it?

6.  What else? What if?

Stereotype Thinking Questions

1.  What is threatening my beliefs?

2.  How can I make it unimportant?

3.  What can I reject?

4.  What can I laugh at?

5.  How can I attack people who threaten my beliefs?

6.  How can I deflect?

The stereotype thinking questions are mine, based on my observations of stereotype thinkers.

~~~~~

Paula M. Kramer
© 2015 to the present
All rights reserved.

Posts on this blog alternate with posts at the link below. Posts for both blogs are published on Wednesdays as they are ready to be published. Time between posts could be weeks or months.

blog.smilessparksuccess.com

Gossip Posters

Gossip Proverb

Good, Bad, & Ugly Gossip

Resource Websites

speakingfromtriumph.com

smilessparksuccess.com

Business Directory

betterplanetbusiness.com

Positive Identity Directory For People With Mugshots

myrecordnow.com